


REDEMPTION

by Nikipa



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: (Not bad but be careful), And Rodney is an emotional roller coaster, Angst with a Happy Ending, Carson is really here for two seconds, First Kiss, Fix-It, It's very light, John and Rodney finally talk about what happened, M/M, Maybe out of characters, McShep - Freeform, Panic Attacks, Post Episode: s02e06 Trinity, Pre-Slash, Soft and Fragile Rodney, Very soft at some point, alternative ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 23:51:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20455625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikipa/pseuds/Nikipa
Summary: Rodney and John eventually talk about what happened on Doronda but John's problem isn't what Rodney expected.(Please read I'm bad at summary)Sets a few weeks after Trinity.





	REDEMPTION

**Author's Note:**

> So I casually ended up thinking about McShep and about my love for Rodney and about Trinity and this came out.
> 
> WARNING: mention of a panic attack, if it triggers you, don't read. It's very light but be safe.
> 
> It's my first fic in English and it's not my native language so please be nice. Also, feel free to correct any mistake you see <3

The wind is almost violent at this height and he shivers when he dares to speak. This is the last place he'd go ordinarily but nothing is normal these days.

"So..." Rodney says, hesitant, his eyes carefully avoiding John's. 

"So." The colonel answers and his tone is way too harsh for such a tiny word.

"Oh you're not going to make it easy, are you?" Mckay asks and his stress is loud and clear in his pitiful voice.

They're standing on a balcony outside, both staring at the sea. John chose one of the highest towers in the city for their meeting. Being up there is as terrifying as powerful. Rodney is holding the barriers tight, with both his hands and his heart is racing noisily in his chest. He briefly considers jumping but how dramaticwould that be, right?

"Why should I?" John's voice interrupts his wild thoughts. 

The military is behind him, back against the wall, arms crossed like an exasperated father. His face is still, no emotions are showing and it's disturbing.

"Right." Rodney nods before he puts his head down. 

He feels like crying but he hasn't cried in ages, he isn't sure he still knows how to do it. He also feels like screaming because he aches so much right now. He isn't comfortable in his own skin and he wishes he could rip it off.

"I said it and I'll say it again, John. I am very sorry." 

The words come directly from his heart because they couldn't be truer. His throat is burning. He feels nauseous. 

"It's Sheppard, for you, Mckay." 

Rodney doesn't quite know whether it's words or bullets John, _Sheppard,_ just threw at him. In any case, it leaves him bleeding. His hands get very sweaty and they slip on the bars. Yeah, he might be contemplating jumping after all. And he thought he was aching before, well he surely is now. He bites his cheek until there's an iron taste on his tong and, only then, he dares to speak again. The colonel's eyes are still ancred to the horizon and his face is so cold, it doesn't look like him. 

"Okay... _ Sheppard._ Well, I'm sorry I blew up five-sixths of a solar system. Is it better?"

John shakes his head, sighs loudly and, then, he finally turns his gaze to Mckay's.

"That's _ not _ the problem Mckay."

"Then what the hell do you want me to say ?", he nearly screams and it might be because he feels a bit hysterical. His voice sounds nothing like him. "I am sorry I messed up. I am sorry I...", he takes a deep breath, "failed."

And it's harder than he thought it would be. He has to fight tears with a strength he didn't know he had. His whole body feels so heavy. He wants to lay down in his bed and never rise again. Of course, he failed. Of course, he took John's, and everybody's, trust and destroyed it along with that solar system. Of course, he hurt them in a way that has changed everything. He knows things will never be the same. Something just broke between them and he doesn't have a clue how to fix it; if it can even be fixed. But he also knows he'd do anything to take that frozen gaze out of those blue eyes. Anyone, he can bare anyone's disappointment, but not John's. Not when he agreed to come back with him. Not when he risked his life just to watch him _fail. _

He must have been lost in his thoughts because Sheppard is now closer to him, an unpleased look on his face. At least, it shows he cares.

"Mckay!" Rodney lifts his head. "You _ really _don't understand, do you?", John questions and Rodney frowns, "You can't see the problem."

"Feel free to clarify your point to my inferior mind, Sheppard.", the scientist replies sharply.

"I don't care that you failed, Rodney", and Rodney certainly shouldn't feel that relieved to hear his name roll on the military's tong, "You are human, wow what a shock. Even Rodney Mckay makes mistakes! It happens. We're a team, you make a mistake, I still accept you. I make a mistake, you still accept me. That's how it works, _ Rodney, _ you are _ not _alone in this."

He stops and he looks so sweet right now, Mckay could run in his arms. But that's only because he's overwhelmed by all of this. Feelings aren't his area of expertise and he doesn't quite know what to do with them.

He doesn't remember how but he is suddenly on the ground, shaking, his legs against his chest and maybe that's where John's worried gaze comes from. He'd like to answer, truly, he would like to speak, but the words won't come out. And they're not the only thing that won't work; he just realized he's not breathing anymore. And that's crazy because he _ knows _ how to breathe, everybody does, even babies. He is Rodney Mckay, the greatest genius, in not one but two galaxies, surely _ he _ would know how to breathe. So why does he feel like he's suffocating?

And why are there arms around his shoulders? Oh. John. Right. Okay, he hears a voice, obviously, someone is talking to him, and, obviously, that's also John. Great. His brain is still working after all.

"Rodney? Calm down, it's all fine. It's okay, you're safe."

And Rodney would like to believe him but since he can't breathe he doesn't see how he's going to stay alive longer than five minutes. Again, he tries to speak and, again, he can't. 

"Okay... Hum... Let's try something. Can you breathe with me? Like, follow my lead, can you do that?"

Rodney wants to reply that he is not a child but, again, he _ can't _ speak, so he hopes the anger in his eyes will answer for him. However, he nods and, before he notices it, John has a hand on his stomach. He uses his other one to stroke his hair.

They try that for a few minutes, with the colonel encouraging him like he's some kind of racehorse but it doesn't work. Rodney is lost between wanting to cry and wanting to scream but he has the abilities to do none of them.

*

He wakes up hearing a well known Scottish accent and he doesn't need to wonder where he is. Maybe he should just bring his clothes and his laptop here, considering how much time he spends in this room. 

"Carson, what the hell happened?"

"Well, hello to you too, Rodney. I'm glad to see you're alright." 

Mckay rolls his eyes and his best friend groans loudly before he deigns to answer.

"You had a panic attack, Rodney, that's what happened. You faint and colonel Sheppard called us.", he seems genuinely concerned and it warms the scientist's heart to see that he still has a friend he can count on, "Also, you are, very, very tired, Rodney. You should think about getting more rest."

Well, of course, he is tired. He hasn't had much sleep lately. Destroying a solar system doesn't help his usual insomnias. Add that he has disappointed people that _ mean _ something to him, well he might be exhausted, yes.

"I'll sleep when I'll have time."

"Actually, you just did, for nearly three hours." Carson says, a proud grin on his face.

Rodney wants to snap back but he just thinks about how he was talking to Sheppard when all of this happened. Oh. So he ruined everything, _ again _, because he had to freak out about nothing. Great.

"Where is J... Sheppard?", he asks and Carson is smiling way too excited. 

"On his way."

Indeed he was. Mckay has time to drink three glasses of water and to make two nurses mad before the colonel enters the room. 

"I knew you were awake when I heard all the complaints from the hallway." John says, going back so easily to their usual teasing game. 

Did Rodney dream about their fight on the tour? No, he's pretty sure it was real, he can still feel the lump in his throat.

"I am awake." He declares and he feels dumb but John is smiling so it must be okay.

"You never got to hear what I wanted you to understand." 

"I just woke up from a three-hour nap, can't that wait?"

"Oh, you won't run away again, Rodney."

"Run away?? I literally passed out Sheppard!" He sounds scandalized.

"You're being a bit of a drama queen here." Sheppard teases.

"Oh am I??" 

And John _ laughs _ he just laughs and it feels _ so _ good. Like million butterflies flying around them. They hadn't laughed together since the _ accident _happened. Rodney wants to cry because joy irradiates his body and he has no idea how to handle it. He also wants to jump into the military's arms but he'll have to restrain himself. Okay. So John wants to talk. And John just laughed after he teased him. Things are great, brighter than the sun, brighter than the explosion he created.

"So uh... I remember you admitting that you wouldn't always be able to save our asses unlike what you thought."

"I'm pretty sure I did not say that. Don't twist my words, colonel," Mckay grumbles, falling quickly in the trap like he's always done for the past two years.

"I didn't _ twist _ them, I made them more understandable." John says with a smirk, a _ cute _smirk.

"Oh did you?" That smirk is contagious.

"I did. Now listen," Sheppard orders with all his military authority, "I need you to understand why I'm mad at you, Rodney. I'm not mad at you because you fail, or because you destroyed a solar system, which is a weird thing to say, by the way, I am mad at you because you risked your life to prove to us that you were clever."

Rodney blinks, mouth opened, he looks like a fish, a stupid goldfish, as stupid as he is. Oh my god, why is John Sheppard that sweet? How is he not mad at him for the _ good _reasons? 

"I don't understand", he admits with shame.

"Of course you don't," John states and he looks satisfied, "You are not on your own anymore, Rodney. The entire city depends on you. Our team depends on you," he pauses for a second before he adds softly, "I depend on you."

Something lights up in the heart Rodney didn't know he had. Now he's sure a tear managed to slip out of his eye. Perfect. He's crying in front of a colonel from us air force because that colonel just said he depended on Rodney. How crazy is this day? No, how insane is his life?

"Rodney?" John's voice is soft, why is it so soft?

"Shut up", he'd like to sound mad but he just looks like a sad kitten, "I am sorry... I... I guess I didn't realize I wasn't just me... anymore."

"We're not just a team, we're a family, and we need every member, even the most annoying ones."

Rodney snorts behind his tears and he has never been so close to kissing John. He doesn't do it though. Instead, he reaches for a tissue and blows his nose.

"Thank you, John." he says once he's done, his hand on his friend's, "For trusting me and for... including me... even when I'm being... Myself."

"Rodney Mckay being Rodney Mckay is the reason we love Rodney Mckay." John says before they giggle together. "We couldn't change you if we wanted to."

Rodney feels like a million tone burden has left his shoulders, he can finally breathe. He could dance in the middle of the infirmary if he didn't wanna keep his hand where it is.

"Thank you." He whispers.

"You already said that."

"Shut up."

"That too."

And that's how it's meant to be. That's how _ they're _ meant to be. Teasing each other until they end up laughing like kids. Pushing each other buttons, hoping for the other to give up first. Loving the other no matter what, accepting him for who he is.

"You know what Rodney?", John asks after a few minutes of silence, "You are an idiot. Risking your life to prove something we already knew. That's stupid."

"Well we can't all be Mensa members, can we?"

"You definitely can't."

"Remember who is a doctor with two PhDs and who is a stupid soldier."

"That's no way to talk to your friend who just forgave you after you blew 

a fucking solar system up." 

"Five-sixths of a solar system! But... wait." He blinks again before a genuine, touched smile appears on his face, "You forgave me?"

"Don't make me regret my decision."

"I won't."

"I know you won't."

And that's it. John trusts him. Even though he doesn't deserve it, he _ trusts _him. 

So, there are no witnesses to prove he did kiss Colonel John Sheppard on his infirmary bed. Except for the throat-clearing Carson made when he came to check on his favorite patient. But there are no witnesses to prove how Rodney threw him out immediately before he was kissed again.

**Author's Note:**

> So I completely messed up the timeline. I don't think they call each other by their first names in season 2. Also, I don't remember when the mensa thing happens but anyway, I hope you liked it!


End file.
